Yeah. Well. He, um. So we got those memories, right? And I was like...we should, you know, give it a shot, we have this...this proof of concept that we work, right? And he said, um. [Another long pause, because he can't trust his voice.] Well, um, he said no. He said some...really shitty things, actually. So it's just...a lot of...complicated feelings.
Um, you were like, amazing though. Like...kind of the crux of the whole thing is I just wanted to feel...like loved and wa- [Jamie can probably hear how he was kind of cracking at the end of that, and he takes a deep, shaky breath to control his voice.] Wanted. By him.
[What an ass, he doesn't say. Because Jamie very well would have done the same, depending on where he was in his life. Perhaps he was the ideal choice to be Eliot after all. But he also knows how it feels to be Quentin here, the crushing heartbreak of--realizing that someone may not love you the way you thought they did.]
We are more alike than you know, my dear, [he says quietly.] But I can't say I would have done anything different in your shoes.
[Jamie sighs and he taps the screen to switch to video. Why not. They can be heartbroken together.]
[Reluctantly, Quentin allows his device to switch too. There are a couple of tears on his cheeks, and the biggest, wettest, saddest eyes in town.]
I don't...think it did. I think it's just...I'm trying really really hard to be...to be okay about it? If not to be over him, then like, not to let him run my life? [Pause for him to hide his face in his arm, trying to control it. He's crying anyway now, in that tears are falling, he's just trying not to weep.] Sometimes I wish I could just...erase it. I know I don't really want that, but. It's just so fucking hard, and then people tell me about the version of me and him that were here before, and they were...
[He grabs a pillow from behind him and wraps his arms around it, hugging it close to bury his face until all Jamie sees is pillowcase.]
[Jamie isn't crying, but there is a deep melancholy in his expression. Maybe he should have done this in person, but he doesn't know if holding Quentin's hand would be any better.]
It's exhausting to hear about other versions of yourself. I definitely know that.
[Quentin just...needs to cry for a second. Not very long, but if he just lets it out he'll be able to talk like a human in another minute. His face is red, when he lowers the pillow, and he's still sniffling, but he takes a deep breath.]
I don't know. It felt good in the moment but I probably shouldn't do anything like that again. I don't think it...helped me, long-term.
[He lets Quentin cry, waiting quietly until he can see the man's face.]
No, I don't recommend it.
[He's quiet again for a moment, gaze averted as he looks at the middle distance.]
There was someone I loved very much. He was... everything. He saved me. [Sort of. Sam was also the reason he ended up in Arcadia, but that isn't the point.] He told me he loved me. He helped me remember who I was and helped us all escape. And I can still remember the exact look on his face when he said months later that I was a pretty little fool to think anyone would love me.
Yeah, it was. That relationship eventually got a lot more complicated, but, what I'm trying so say is I know how it feels to love someone with everything you have, and to wonder if it was ever real.
[He meets Quentin's gaze through the screen.]
He shouldn't have been so careless with you, or cruel.
Last time I saw Sam was right before I came here. This place has a shitty sense of humor.
[He offers a small, lopsided smile.]
I'm not going to tell you to not be sad or to not mourn. That's a big loss on top of a shitty, involuntary life change. [When he says that out loud, he realizes how fucking cyclical his life is.]
But I hope you won't let it keep you from... I don't know. Being open to the possibility of being better.
It takes time, [he says.] But... I think a good starting place is not trying to make yourself not think of him. But don't let yourself drown, either. Glance off it like a stone skipping. And I realize all of that is easier said than done, but. It's a place to start.
[Glance off it like a stone skipping. That's...a good way to put some good advice. But.]
I don't know if I'm...capable of that. This is all, uh. I'm not. Um. My brain doesn't really...work. The way my, um, world says it's supposed to. So. That sounds like the kind of thing that would be easier if it did. I don't know if I can, like, think of him and not...fucking cling to the thought. But, um. I can try, I guess.
I can't recall a single day in the last several years that I wasn't afraid of something. And I have days when I'm not sure if anything I'm seeing is real. So, I get that. A little.
[Jamie shrugs one shoulder and looks down.]
Letting go of the things that make us feel good and worthwhile are hard. Even when they're killing us, one way or another. But it's worth trying.
[He looks up again to meet Quentin's gaze and a faint smirk tugs the corner of his mouth.]
[That does help more than anything, actually, knowing that whatever Jamie is, he's probably also in the mental illness boat. This isn't some neurotypical going "but why don't you just sit still?"]
I tried meditation once and it was, uh. Awful. Like I was awful at it. All I could think about was all the things I could be doing that weren't that.
[Jamie grins because, yeah, same problem. Sort of.]
I just kept going places I didn't want to go. Focusing on my breathing and my body, apparently, are not actually the best ways to get me to chill out, apparently. But if you were getting distracted, maybe a guided meditation could help? I mean, if it was still something you wanted to try.
[He shrugs one shoulder, because he's not about to urge Quentin to do something that'd get on his nerves.]
No, that's not weird. Like, at all. [He is quick to assure Quentin of that.] Having someone else take control? The chance to just let go, feel, and know you'll be taken care of? And also wore the hell out? People pay for that and they will pay dearly.
There's something deeply comforting about knowing that. It's stability. It's safety. Especially with something that requires a lot of trust - or it should. [He gives Quentin a little look, just because he strikes Jamie as someone who would maybe be a little less safe if he thought the payoff would be there. Do as he says, not as he does.]
[Quentin may be an idiot but he definitely catches that look.]
I mean...what is trust in this place? Some people would probably say I trust people here too quickly. But no one's really like...punished that, yet? Sometimes people give me a bad vibe, or a weird one, or a vibe I can't figure out, that's a lot of people honestly, and I don't trust them? But I feel like most people here essentially want to be good to each other.
[He's sure he's been lucky. But when his submissiveness -- his openness, his givingness -- has been rewarded over and over it's hard to guard his heart like he should.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Um, you were like, amazing though. Like...kind of the crux of the whole thing is I just wanted to feel...like loved and wa- [Jamie can probably hear how he was kind of cracking at the end of that, and he takes a deep, shaky breath to control his voice.] Wanted. By him.
>> video
We are more alike than you know, my dear, [he says quietly.] But I can't say I would have done anything different in your shoes.
[Jamie sighs and he taps the screen to switch to video. Why not. They can be heartbroken together.]
I'm sorry if it hurt you.
no subject
I don't...think it did. I think it's just...I'm trying really really hard to be...to be okay about it? If not to be over him, then like, not to let him run my life? [Pause for him to hide his face in his arm, trying to control it. He's crying anyway now, in that tears are falling, he's just trying not to weep.] Sometimes I wish I could just...erase it. I know I don't really want that, but. It's just so fucking hard, and then people tell me about the version of me and him that were here before, and they were...
[He grabs a pillow from behind him and wraps his arms around it, hugging it close to bury his face until all Jamie sees is pillowcase.]
no subject
It's exhausting to hear about other versions of yourself. I definitely know that.
no subject
I don't know. It felt good in the moment but I probably shouldn't do anything like that again. I don't think it...helped me, long-term.
no subject
No, I don't recommend it.
[He's quiet again for a moment, gaze averted as he looks at the middle distance.]
There was someone I loved very much. He was... everything. He saved me. [Sort of. Sam was also the reason he ended up in Arcadia, but that isn't the point.] He told me he loved me. He helped me remember who I was and helped us all escape. And I can still remember the exact look on his face when he said months later that I was a pretty little fool to think anyone would love me.
no subject
no subject
[He meets Quentin's gaze through the screen.]
He shouldn't have been so careless with you, or cruel.
no subject
This all was, um. Like a month or something before I came to Duplicity. Which was in February.
no subject
[He offers a small, lopsided smile.]
I'm not going to tell you to not be sad or to not mourn. That's a big loss on top of a shitty, involuntary life change. [When he says that out loud, he realizes how fucking cyclical his life is.]
But I hope you won't let it keep you from... I don't know. Being open to the possibility of being better.
no subject
no subject
[He won't say love because he can't promise that and he doesn't know, but. He's willing to be there are people who love Quentin, too.]
It's hard for me to remember, too.
no subject
Someone said I don't deserve to feel insane every time I think about him. I think that's...true, but I don't know how to get there.
no subject
no subject
I don't know if I'm...capable of that. This is all, uh. I'm not. Um. My brain doesn't really...work. The way my, um, world says it's supposed to. So. That sounds like the kind of thing that would be easier if it did. I don't know if I can, like, think of him and not...fucking cling to the thought. But, um. I can try, I guess.
no subject
[Jamie shrugs one shoulder and looks down.]
Letting go of the things that make us feel good and worthwhile are hard. Even when they're killing us, one way or another. But it's worth trying.
[He looks up again to meet Quentin's gaze and a faint smirk tugs the corner of his mouth.]
Maybe try meditating with someone who knows how.
no subject
I tried meditation once and it was, uh. Awful. Like I was awful at it. All I could think about was all the things I could be doing that weren't that.
no subject
I just kept going places I didn't want to go. Focusing on my breathing and my body, apparently, are not actually the best ways to get me to chill out, apparently. But if you were getting distracted, maybe a guided meditation could help? I mean, if it was still something you wanted to try.
[He shrugs one shoulder, because he's not about to urge Quentin to do something that'd get on his nerves.]
no subject
...Is it weird that, uh. Sex is kind of the thing that gets me to chill out and focus on my body? Like...like kink, especially?
[can he start saying he has to sub out because it's meditation, he needs it for his mental health, this is an important question]
no subject
[He says, from experience.]
no subject
That was probably a nonzero part of the whole thing with...Eliot. Knowing I could get that whenever I needed it.
no subject
no subject
I mean...what is trust in this place? Some people would probably say I trust people here too quickly. But no one's really like...punished that, yet? Sometimes people give me a bad vibe, or a weird one, or a vibe I can't figure out, that's a lot of people honestly, and I don't trust them? But I feel like most people here essentially want to be good to each other.
[He's sure he's been lucky. But when his submissiveness -- his openness, his givingness -- has been rewarded over and over it's hard to guard his heart like he should.]
no subject
Just be careful, darling. You're one of mine now.
no subject
Congrats on adopting your new Quentin. Sorry about all the messes he'll make.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)