It takes time, [he says.] But... I think a good starting place is not trying to make yourself not think of him. But don't let yourself drown, either. Glance off it like a stone skipping. And I realize all of that is easier said than done, but. It's a place to start.
[Glance off it like a stone skipping. That's...a good way to put some good advice. But.]
I don't know if I'm...capable of that. This is all, uh. I'm not. Um. My brain doesn't really...work. The way my, um, world says it's supposed to. So. That sounds like the kind of thing that would be easier if it did. I don't know if I can, like, think of him and not...fucking cling to the thought. But, um. I can try, I guess.
I can't recall a single day in the last several years that I wasn't afraid of something. And I have days when I'm not sure if anything I'm seeing is real. So, I get that. A little.
[Jamie shrugs one shoulder and looks down.]
Letting go of the things that make us feel good and worthwhile are hard. Even when they're killing us, one way or another. But it's worth trying.
[He looks up again to meet Quentin's gaze and a faint smirk tugs the corner of his mouth.]
[That does help more than anything, actually, knowing that whatever Jamie is, he's probably also in the mental illness boat. This isn't some neurotypical going "but why don't you just sit still?"]
I tried meditation once and it was, uh. Awful. Like I was awful at it. All I could think about was all the things I could be doing that weren't that.
[Jamie grins because, yeah, same problem. Sort of.]
I just kept going places I didn't want to go. Focusing on my breathing and my body, apparently, are not actually the best ways to get me to chill out, apparently. But if you were getting distracted, maybe a guided meditation could help? I mean, if it was still something you wanted to try.
[He shrugs one shoulder, because he's not about to urge Quentin to do something that'd get on his nerves.]
No, that's not weird. Like, at all. [He is quick to assure Quentin of that.] Having someone else take control? The chance to just let go, feel, and know you'll be taken care of? And also wore the hell out? People pay for that and they will pay dearly.
There's something deeply comforting about knowing that. It's stability. It's safety. Especially with something that requires a lot of trust - or it should. [He gives Quentin a little look, just because he strikes Jamie as someone who would maybe be a little less safe if he thought the payoff would be there. Do as he says, not as he does.]
[Quentin may be an idiot but he definitely catches that look.]
I mean...what is trust in this place? Some people would probably say I trust people here too quickly. But no one's really like...punished that, yet? Sometimes people give me a bad vibe, or a weird one, or a vibe I can't figure out, that's a lot of people honestly, and I don't trust them? But I feel like most people here essentially want to be good to each other.
[He's sure he's been lucky. But when his submissiveness -- his openness, his givingness -- has been rewarded over and over it's hard to guard his heart like he should.]
As long as you don't chew on any of my shoes, we'll get along fine. Or try to dash off into the Hedge whenever you're feeling homesick. That was... difficult.
[Chasing Frankie into the Hedge on more than a few occasions was both terrifying and dangerous. And more than once Jamie was tempted to just let him go.]
[Quentin doesn't know what Arcadia is, but he nods. He's used to dealing with Fillory, which has its own specific methods of travel back and forth.]
Yeah. Same. I miss people, mostly. I do have one friend from home here, but we kind of...live our own lives? But I don't know, I miss my best friend, Julia. I miss...Alice. [Conspicuous lack of defining that relationship.] I don't know if I should like, wish for them here? I shouldn't wish this place on anyone. But also like...I already talked to my partner and she promised that if Julia showed up and was a sub, she'd offer a contract if Julia wanted.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
[He won't say love because he can't promise that and he doesn't know, but. He's willing to be there are people who love Quentin, too.]
It's hard for me to remember, too.
no subject
Someone said I don't deserve to feel insane every time I think about him. I think that's...true, but I don't know how to get there.
no subject
no subject
I don't know if I'm...capable of that. This is all, uh. I'm not. Um. My brain doesn't really...work. The way my, um, world says it's supposed to. So. That sounds like the kind of thing that would be easier if it did. I don't know if I can, like, think of him and not...fucking cling to the thought. But, um. I can try, I guess.
no subject
[Jamie shrugs one shoulder and looks down.]
Letting go of the things that make us feel good and worthwhile are hard. Even when they're killing us, one way or another. But it's worth trying.
[He looks up again to meet Quentin's gaze and a faint smirk tugs the corner of his mouth.]
Maybe try meditating with someone who knows how.
no subject
I tried meditation once and it was, uh. Awful. Like I was awful at it. All I could think about was all the things I could be doing that weren't that.
no subject
I just kept going places I didn't want to go. Focusing on my breathing and my body, apparently, are not actually the best ways to get me to chill out, apparently. But if you were getting distracted, maybe a guided meditation could help? I mean, if it was still something you wanted to try.
[He shrugs one shoulder, because he's not about to urge Quentin to do something that'd get on his nerves.]
no subject
...Is it weird that, uh. Sex is kind of the thing that gets me to chill out and focus on my body? Like...like kink, especially?
[can he start saying he has to sub out because it's meditation, he needs it for his mental health, this is an important question]
no subject
[He says, from experience.]
no subject
That was probably a nonzero part of the whole thing with...Eliot. Knowing I could get that whenever I needed it.
no subject
no subject
I mean...what is trust in this place? Some people would probably say I trust people here too quickly. But no one's really like...punished that, yet? Sometimes people give me a bad vibe, or a weird one, or a vibe I can't figure out, that's a lot of people honestly, and I don't trust them? But I feel like most people here essentially want to be good to each other.
[He's sure he's been lucky. But when his submissiveness -- his openness, his givingness -- has been rewarded over and over it's hard to guard his heart like he should.]
no subject
Just be careful, darling. You're one of mine now.
no subject
Congrats on adopting your new Quentin. Sorry about all the messes he'll make.
no subject
no subject
[please enjoy this moment of staring hornily into the distance as quentin contemplates being on an actual leash]
I mean, uh. Well. I do my best not to be too...uh, rambunctious? That's a thing puppies are, right?
no subject
As long as you don't chew on any of my shoes, we'll get along fine. Or try to dash off into the Hedge whenever you're feeling homesick. That was... difficult.
[Chasing Frankie into the Hedge on more than a few occasions was both terrifying and dangerous. And more than once Jamie was tempted to just let him go.]
no subject
I mean, I do kind of feel homesick but also home sucks right now and I can't even do magic there, so...it's more of a wash than anything.
no subject
[He knows not everyone has heard about it or knows it exists, nor should they. But Quentin... seems like an okay person to talk to about it.]
There's parts of home I miss. Other parts... I'm fine being away from.
no subject
Yeah. Same. I miss people, mostly. I do have one friend from home here, but we kind of...live our own lives? But I don't know, I miss my best friend, Julia. I miss...Alice. [Conspicuous lack of defining that relationship.] I don't know if I should like, wish for them here? I shouldn't wish this place on anyone. But also like...I already talked to my partner and she promised that if Julia showed up and was a sub, she'd offer a contract if Julia wanted.