It's... very sensitive, and the hurt goes deep. Usually I can brush it off but today I couldn't understand what you wanted and what was wrong with what I was offering and it felt like that again. Like all those times I was mocked and insulted because I always failed at being 'masculine' whether I tried or not, so then why try.
Um. I know I don't know you well enough to say but, um.
...
You remind me of a friend of mine back home. He always tried really hard to follow the rules and do everything right and be honorable and manly and all that, and he did, I really admire and respect him, but he always used to get ... really sensitive about topics like masculinity and sexuality even though he always insisted that he'd never had any problems and he wasn't sensitive at all.
Um. You just... kind of remind me of him because earlier you seemed... very sensitive about masculinity and sexuality for someone who's never actually had any problems with it.
[His kneejerk response is to say Huaisang is wrong, but...in the spirit of reconciliation and friendship, he tries really hard to sit with that for a minute, to ask himself if maybe Huaisang is right, or at least a little bit right. The answer he comes up with...isn't yes, per se, but.]
The way it feels to me is more like I'm just sensitive about my body and my appearance in general? People in Duplicity tell me I'm cute or whatever and I haven't been here that long but there has not been one time when it didn't feel like a cruel lie or a setup for a joke.
Look at the stupid ugly troll, so stupid he doesn't even know he's ugly, so ugly it's hilarious that he could ever be attractive
I've learned that people don't like it when I react that way so I mostly just keep my mouth shut about that feeling
So, I guess what I'm saying is I don't FEEL sensitive about masculinity but maybe that's kind of part of what's inside the thing I am sensitive about
You know, before I came here, I don't know if I'd ever once been told I was attractive unless it was part of a joke.
I'm not what my society considers attractive for a man, and I'm not a woman and I don't think I'd be good at pretending to be one even if I tried.
It took a long time after arriving here to believe that people meant it when they said I was attractive.
I just ... after a while, when I kept failing at everything I was supposed to be and do, I just gave up and did the things I wanted to do instead. And I was spoiled and wealthy enough to get away with it, even though I never stop being ... punished, in one way or another, for not being the kind of man I was supposed to be.
I just accepted being a laughingstock because at least it gave me some measure of freedom to get away with being myself.
I know you said apology accepted but I'll probably apologize a couple more times anyway
The last thing I was gonna say before I left was "Hey Huaisang I would really love it if you could help me find a nice suit" because sometimes it takes someone yelling "why didn't you just say that" at me to figure out what I should say, but I understand completely if you still want me to ask someone else for help
Yeah. I just--maybe you've gotta find a different measurement for attractive. By the measurements where I come from, I'm unattractive and useless.
So yeah. You're almost definitely an ugly troll by some measurements.
But there are some other measurements where you're cute. And some measurements where you're masculine. And so maybe you just gotta decide which measurements and which opinions and which world and life and society and people you want to be measured up by.
Hmm. I can do suits but you're better off with half a dozen other employees at Plumage when it comes to suits. Unless you want to start learning corsets with a corset vest to go with your suit.
[That all is just...a lot to process. For someone who has needed to write himself scripts for every situation, for someone who needs to try so desperately hard to land anywhere close to "normal," for someone whose literal brain simply is not wired and does not work in the way the society he was born into expects it to...it's gonna take him a long, long time to digest that idea.]
I'll try to keep that in mind
How about I ask someone else for help but make sure to show you before I leave?
I would like to point out I also didn't volunteer for the demo, you asked and I was like yeah I'll try it and the result of trying it is I likely won't do it again unless I know everyone in the room
Well, if you can't do it in Weird D/s Porn Parody City, where can you?
I told someone the other day it was like arriving here and my magic working again rattled me so much that I forgot to have walls? Like self-protection? And instead of reminding me why I protect those parts people have really dug them which is not what I would have ever expected to happen but much better than the alternative
[Huaisang understands the concept of satire, but he doesn't quite understand how it's being applied here, and it instantly intrigues him, the idea that this is a satirical reflection of some other society.]
What is it a parody of? Is it something specific? What is the non-parody version like?
I'm... glad that you have been appreciated for the things that you were shy about. Self-protection is still important, but trying new things is very good.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'm sorry again. I didn't know it was a sensitive spot for you
You look so amazing in the stuff you wear I guess it never even occurred to me that it might be that kind of issue
I've never really been given any problems about my masculinity or sexuality so I'm really lucky and privileged that way
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Um. I know I don't know you well enough to say but, um.
...
You remind me of a friend of mine back home. He always tried really hard to follow the rules and do everything right and be honorable and manly and all that, and he did, I really admire and respect him, but he always used to get ... really sensitive about topics like masculinity and sexuality even though he always insisted that he'd never had any problems and he wasn't sensitive at all.
Um. You just... kind of remind me of him because earlier you seemed... very sensitive about masculinity and sexuality for someone who's never actually had any problems with it.
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The way it feels to me is more like I'm just sensitive about my body and my appearance in general? People in Duplicity tell me I'm cute or whatever and I haven't been here that long but there has not been one time when it didn't feel like a cruel lie or a setup for a joke.
Look at the stupid ugly troll, so stupid he doesn't even know he's ugly, so ugly it's hilarious that he could ever be attractive
I've learned that people don't like it when I react that way so I mostly just keep my mouth shut about that feeling
So, I guess what I'm saying is I don't FEEL sensitive about masculinity but maybe that's kind of part of what's inside the thing I am sensitive about
Does that make sense?
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You know, before I came here, I don't know if I'd ever once been told I was attractive unless it was part of a joke.
I'm not what my society considers attractive for a man, and I'm not a woman and I don't think I'd be good at pretending to be one even if I tried.
It took a long time after arriving here to believe that people meant it when they said I was attractive.
I just ... after a while, when I kept failing at everything I was supposed to be and do, I just gave up and did the things I wanted to do instead. And I was spoiled and wealthy enough to get away with it, even though I never stop being ... punished, in one way or another, for not being the kind of man I was supposed to be.
I just accepted being a laughingstock because at least it gave me some measure of freedom to get away with being myself.
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I know you said apology accepted but I'll probably apologize a couple more times anyway
The last thing I was gonna say before I left was "Hey Huaisang I would really love it if you could help me find a nice suit" because sometimes it takes someone yelling "why didn't you just say that" at me to figure out what I should say, but I understand completely if you still want me to ask someone else for help
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So yeah. You're almost definitely an ugly troll by some measurements.
But there are some other measurements where you're cute. And some measurements where you're masculine. And so maybe you just gotta decide which measurements and which opinions and which world and life and society and people you want to be measured up by.
Hmm. I can do suits but you're better off with half a dozen other employees at Plumage when it comes to suits. Unless you want to start learning corsets with a corset vest to go with your suit.
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I'll try to keep that in mind
How about I ask someone else for help but make sure to show you before I leave?
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I look forward to seeing the results.
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Thank you for texting me, also. For not just leaving it shitty
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I would like to point out I also didn't volunteer for the demo, you asked and I was like yeah I'll try it and the result of trying it is I likely won't do it again unless I know everyone in the room
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taking a risk. Trying something new.
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I told someone the other day it was like arriving here and my magic working again rattled me so much that I forgot to have walls? Like self-protection? And instead of reminding me why I protect those parts people have really dug them which is not what I would have ever expected to happen but much better than the alternative
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What is it a parody of? Is it something specific? What is the non-parody version like?
I'm... glad that you have been appreciated for the things that you were shy about. Self-protection is still important, but trying new things is very good.
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Actual porn parodies are usually parodies of real things but usually the satire isn't any deeper than "what if this was horny"
I'm working on getting the self-protection in place enough to not get hurt if someone does decide to poke at me